- My ex told me that he went to a prenatal appointment with a pregnant friend. He told me her name and he asked if it was okay that he accompanied her. To him, seeing the doc with her was a way of him getting experience for when we would have to go to my doctor's appointment someday in the future (when we were married and I was pregnant). I thought it was sweet and I told him so. Also, I said "Don't worry. I'm not the jealous type." Truth is: I am always that way, as evidenced in my upcoming behaviour.
A day later, he was expecting a call from that depressed friend. At that time, a mutual friend of ours called him up since she wanted him to help move something. On the answering machine, he quickly told the pregnant woman that he was sorry he missed the call. I called while he was out...heard the message...and freaked-out. It was true that I even totally forgot the name of the person.
He did nothing wrong. I didn't even give him a chance to explain; I later told him that I didn't like him spending time with her, trying to blame-shift and justify/cover-up my bad behaviour. READ ON...
- If I merely THINK that you aren't faithful, chances are good -- like in this case -- that I'll have a one-night-stand. I told my ex that one of the worst things he could do is to blame me of cheating without proof...but that's what I did to him. He was a virgin, but I thought he cheated on me with that pregnant woman and my emotions went crazy. What's wrong with me?
I tried to get with the son of that mutual friend mentioned above. I told that guy that my ex cheated on me and asked if he wanted to get together because "I get horny when I smoke weed." He said I was crazy thinking that my ex would cheat because he's a timid, shy person. He said that people are allowed to have female friends. I accused him of just lying and sticking up for my ex and that's when he called me a "fucking whore".
I've known other people who have cheated on me and I do the same in retaliation. I told my boyfriend that that is what I do. Rather that tell me that it was childish to behave that way, he told me that there would be no chance of him doing me wrong. I thought he did --- and I was wrong. I cheapened myself with a person who didn't love me.
- In the beginning, I did tell my ex that I was thinking of leaving him because he was so shy. I told him that I was glad I didn't mess up and that it would have been "a big mistake". He said "Aw...you were going to leave Brian?" and I said "Yea, but I didn't. And I won't, so don't worry. I love you now." I lied when I said "I won't." -- and I failed him.
- When we were through, I had no problem getting with a guy immediately. Although I couldn't get with that (now former) friend's son, I quickly got with this man in his middle 40's that went to the mental health center with me. I knew him a bit and I didn't want to be alone. He was someone who had taken me to doctor appointments before. My ex knew that and I told him to not worry about him and I getting together: "You think I'd want to be a big, balding man in his 40's?"
I'm not with him now; he's another mentally ill man I did wrong, but I guess I don't want to get into that. I always seem to have someone on reserve.
- At the end, I never told my ex that I even enjoyed our company or that he was a good man to me. All I gave him was false hope and the knowledge that women cheat, too. I'll always be the first one who did him wrong as an adult. He was a very-decent man.
- I wanted a child someday, but I confused him about it and I was ridiculous. Here's how it happened: At first, my ex said that he wanted to be married to me first. He told me this early and I liked that; I remember when he said it to me under the stars that special October 2006 night. I even remember we talked about adoption. He wanted to know my thoughts about it; he was thinking that, since I already had children, that maybe I didn't want to do that again. I wanted to wait until marriage, too, and have my own child.
Later, though, I told him that "I don't necessarily want kids. I mean, I already have two kids." My children aren't with me...but I don't want to get into that and reasons why.
Even later, the topic of children came up again. What he said I misunderstood, thinking that he never wanted to have children. He asked "What if I said I didn't want children?" and I said "I guess I was never meant to have children." He was just curious as to what I would think...if I would not like him if he didn't want a child; but he DID want a baby with me in the future. I jumped to conclusions again.
I said that his words upset me -- but not to him....to a friend. The friend told him and then he told me that what I was thinking wasn't true. I just said "I gotta go." and hung up on him. It's because by then, I had already made my mistake attempting to cheat on him (and I already had been with another man). Also, I was upset thinking about how I ultimately lost our child and I freaked!
I guess I really messed with his mind; I shouldn't have flip-flopped with such a serious matter...and should have told things to HIM. I didn't consider his feelings.
- Throughout the relationship, he bought me flowers on Valentine's Day (which was the first time he every did such a thing for anybody); for when I got my new apartment, he got me a housewarming gift of a nice, new cookware that cost around $50; wrote me wonderful words in letter form; and texted me many times. Not once did I get him anything, create anything, or even respond to a single text message. I even remember the Christmas Day that he called me and was going to stop by to give a gift + to get a hug. He missed me; yet I told him that it might not be best since my mother was there. I told him that later would be better and "It would be more personal." then. I could tell by his voice that he didn't understand that. It was Christmas Day! I don't know why I did that.
- I had no reason to hurt him. An innocent, naive man. I just did it! Since he had emotional/abuse issues, too, my behaviour is even less excusable. I was the one that made it hard, even though I told him "It's hard being with someone who's not into the same things. Smoking, drinking and drugs." He said "Why does that matter?" I guess he DID want to be with me. When he said that, I just said "I can't deal with it now."
Listen to this: Afterwards, I led him on for weeks, saying "I need a break. Just for a while." or "I need to work on me before I can work on us." I remember him saying at that time "I never would have hurt you. I love you." I believed him and said "You didn't do anything wrong." I remember him asking "Is it because of someone else and I said no." More lying since that was part of it, too.
Not long later, when he called again, he wanted to know when we would see each other again and I said "I'm sorta already seeing somebody." He said "I thought you said this was a break!" and I callously said "You'll get over me, sweetie. Sometimes these things don't work out." I was so mean. I had no intention of working on myself.
The next day, he had a text message for me that wasn't cruel but it ended with "You never loved me." Guess what I did? I called him up, wondering if everthing was okay between us. I didn't even understand why he would have sent something like that! I guess I was surprised. He didn't say anything mean and I told him I'd call him in a couple days. I never did.
Over those days is when he must have learned and understood more about the reality of the situation. I betrayed, misled, and confused him. I admit I was a bit sad when he texted that "What you did was without honor. I can no longer call you 'friend'."
Other texts in the aftermath I recall:
> Imagine if we were married and you did something like that.
> Do the right thing. Please apologize and make things right.
> I'll forgive you.
I responded to none; I was such a terrible girlfriend -- if I was even one to begin with.
- My mom got on my ass about what I did to him, but I didn't let that affect me. I tried to make the situation seem like it was his fault. I had to justify to myself that he was wrong because I couldn't bear to think that I screwed up. I mean, I guess I actually thought that his friend wouldn't tell him what I did. I was so wrong!
- Early on, we both had agreed to always talk so it wouldn't just end in something stupid. He said that he hated it when people just 'stop'. I guess I forgot that. If we talked...if I just didn't make assumptions...everything would have been okay.
- When it was over, I didn't give him anything positive. I never said that I enjoyed our times together; that he was a good man; or that he meant a lot to me. Nothing! Only complete abandonment, which was always his greatest fear. I had no consideration for his feelings. I was too proud to admit I hurt him and because I didn't do the right thing and apologize, the friendship is gone. After what I did, it's surprising he still wanted to even try and keep some sort of union.
There was no real completion or closure. He wasn't allowed to talk things out or come to some sense of understanding as to what had happened. Instead, he must have felt worthless, humiliated, and discarded. Abandonment is his biggest fear and I cared not at all.
- I guess he would feel that I'm a selfish, lying, deceiving person with loose morals, no feelings, and intoxicating habits that are more important to me than something good. That I probably use my schizoaffective disorder as an excuse for my bad behaviour. Does he think that maybe I'm just a cruel person by nature?
- I've let others know that I really don't like losing so many people. They can't ALL be bad.
